put a smile on your face......jokes

MALE OR FEMALE?

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

lol

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It 's what?! Why is the
Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls’

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a
pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to
buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a , centipede
(100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he
would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to
Frank's place with me and have a beer?' But there was no answer from his
new Pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then
asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time.
This time putting his face up
against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go
to Frank's place and have a drink with me or not?




A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time !
I'm putting my f*?king shoes on!'

MARRIED LIFE - THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake
him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when
he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests!!!

had to laugh at this one cos its the sort of thing that i would do.

Me too!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and MBNA bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

MBNA: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:' Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

MBNA: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA: 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to The credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

MBNA: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her Being dead?'

MBNA: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

SUPERVISOR GETS ON THE PHONE:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

MBNA: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA:(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

MBNA: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

MBNA: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I Can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out ,great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

MBNA: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply..'

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA: 'That might help.'

Family Member: ' Glasnevin Cemetry, Finglas Road,Dublin 11, Ireland ,
Plot Number 1049.'

MBNA: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

Im taking out a credit card at 80

this is a fairy tale we all should of been told when we where little:

Once apon a time in a far away land a beautifull, indepent, self assured princess happedn apon a frog as she sat comtemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess lap and said "Elegant lady, i was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you however wand i will turn back into a dapper young prince that i am, and than my sweey we can marry, set up house in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever be gratefull & happing doing so."

That night as the princess dined sumptusly on lighly sauted frogs legs seasoned in a white wine & onion cream sauce, she chuckles to her self: " i don't f*****g think so".

The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM to FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)


( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)


And the personal favorite:


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)


Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!

One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Tshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it says on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour

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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practising to be men.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

Three women: One engaged, one married, and one a mistress,
are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze
their men.
That night all three will wear black leather bras,
stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days
they meet up for lunch..

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came
over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos,
and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my
life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his
office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over
my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't
say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's
house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing
the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask
over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he
said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

say no more!

I love this page!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.... And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.....'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.. Let me tell you.... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Sorry girls but thought it was funny!

here is something that was in the paper yesterday that made me Chouckle

REAL NAMES THAT SOUND LIKE A JOKE.

Sue Age

Peter Piddle

Seymour Bust

Enema bottomley wood

Effing Dick

Willy Muscle

Willie Stetch

Nancy Boys

Jimmy Riddle

Iris tew

Dick Brain

Teresa Fartwangler

Willy leak

Dick Handler

Daily Boner

Philip plonker.

There are loads more and they are taken from a new book that has come out called potty fartwell and knob at £6.99

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh.....

either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires

a woman had 13 children her husband dies,she married again and had 7 more children.Again her husband died,she remarried,this time had 5 more children & then she finally died too.Standing at her coffin the preacher prayed for her & said " lord they are finally together" 1 mourner asked her friend" do you think he means her 1st,2nd or 3rd husband?"Friend replies "i think he means her legs"

little girl takes ashower with nan,points down and says"whats that" nan says "thats my beaver".next dat little girl takes a shower with mum and points down and says "i know what that is,thats your beaver" "oh yeah " mum replies "how do you kow that"" nan told me but i think hers is dead cos its tongue `s hanging out"

little nancy was in the garden filling a hole when her neighbour asked what are you doing there?My goldfish died and i`m just buried him.The neighbour laughed and said thats a big hole for a goldfish isn`t it.? nancy replied thats because he`s inside your f***ing cat.

zeus the greek god was flying over acient greece when he spotted a naked woman washing herself.he made love to her ,stroked her face and told her ...in 9 months time you will have a child and call him hercules.she dressed herself smiled elegantly and said in 9 days time you will have a rash and call it herpes now f**k off.

a man who is totally devoted to his girlfriend,decides to have her name tattooed on his penis.after going through alot of pain he has a look and he can onlysee w and y.not to be detered he thinks it`ll be ok when i get an erection.
on his way to see his girlfriend wendy.he desperatly needs tha toilet going into the public toilets hes stands next to a big west indian man,taking a sly peep he notices that he`s got a w and y tattooed on his penis too.striking up a conversation he say to the west indian "oh i see youve got your girlfriends name wendy tattooed on you too"
The west indian turns to him and says "thats not my girlfriends name it says................"welcome to jamacia have a nice day"

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even just for kicks.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HECK OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits, just get out.

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look round.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're absolutely sure you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them off them immediately. You'll thank yourself later.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street , Transylvania, Nilbog (you're already in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine . Also, California and Ohio are good spots to avoid this and every other time of year. I mean, the answer's in the question.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, nail guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws or any devices made from deceased companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. (It's a toss-up. We know.) This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad, committed suicide, died in some horrible fashion, OR had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.

19. (And perhaps the most important..) Always get out as soon as the scary music starts playing.