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 put a smile on your face......jokes

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madmaz
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Fri Oct 31, 2008 8:00 pm

lol! lol! lol! lol!
very good kt
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KT
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Tue Nov 04, 2008 4:25 pm

Thanks Maz, but i was sent it from a friend in the states! But it is good! Smile
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crazycow
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Thu Nov 06, 2008 8:14 pm

Proper rhymes!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

-----------------------------------------------

It's Raining, It's Pouring
Oh sh*t, it's Global Warming.

-------------------------------------------------

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

----------------------------------------------------

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

--------------------------------------------------------

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @rse
And turned its wool to nylon.

------------------------------------------------------------

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
Forgot her pill,
And now they have a son.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
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pogo
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Fri Nov 07, 2008 11:37 pm

Very Happy
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KT
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Wed Nov 12, 2008 1:49 pm

My colleague and I were eating our luch in our cafeteria, when we overhead one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on on her weekend drive to the beach. she drove down in a converertible, but didn't think she's get sunburnt as beacuse the car was moving......
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Wed Nov 12, 2008 1:51 pm

While i worked i a pizza parlour , i observed a man orderig a small pizza to go.
He apperarded to be alon and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 or 6 pieces. He thought about it for some time before responding " just cut it into 4 pieces, i don;t think i'm hungery enought to eeact 6 pieces."
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pogo
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Fri Nov 14, 2008 10:47 pm

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
>
> Take off clothes and put them in the wash bin
>
> Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
>
> If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
>
> Get in the shower.
>
> Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
> pumice stone.
>
> Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
> vitamins.
>
> Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
>
> Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
> Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
> red.
>
> Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
> Rinse conditioner off hair.
>
> Shave armpits and legs.
>
> Turn off shower.
>
> Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
>
> Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
>
> Get out of shower.
>
> Dry with towel the size of a small country.
>
> Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
>
> Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you
> see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
>
>
>
>
> HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
>
> Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
> a pile.
>
> Walk naked to the bathroom.
>
> If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the
> 'woo-woo' sound.
>
> Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
>
> Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
>
> Get in the shower.
>
> Wash your face.
>
> Wash your armpits.
>
> Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
> Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
>
> Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your
> bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
>
> Wash your hair.
>
> Make a Shampoo Mohican
>
> Wee.
>
> Rinse off and get out of shower.
>
> Partially dry off.
>
> Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath
> the whole time.
>
> Admire willy size in mirror again.
>
> Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return
> to bedroom with towel around waist.
>
> If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
> 'woo-woo' sound again.
>
> Throw wet towel on bed.
>
> I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
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Fusecienne
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Sat Nov 15, 2008 12:34 am

you know you're from leicester when...

1) When you can't walk down the street with out boy racers papping as they drive by!

2) When you refer to Leicester as "LESTA"

3) When clock tower seems the only place to meet in Leicester!

4) When you have stood and watched the red indians perform at clock tower on a saturday! its quality

5) You think that the big blue building looks like a game of connect four!

6) When you traveled out of leicester to go shopping untill the highcross opened in late 2008

7) When you have been to the christmas displays at town hall square and was pretty impressed as a kid

Cool When you are "eating in" in KFC on high street and it is rammed full but they still wont open the upstairs.

9) You was sad to see the woolworths store close down.

10) you realize that there are about 12 subway branches in the city centre alone.

11) All teenagers get on the bus and run straight to the back of the upper deck.

12) You smoke on the bus still

13) You refer the city centre as town when you know its a city

14) You Support Leicester City But Inside You Like A Premier League Team More.

15) You go to morrisons to get you sweets and drink for the odeon cinema.

16) you have been to nottingham ice rink and came back with blisters.

17) there is always someone asleep pissed up on the back of a bus.

18) Ay up Me Duck

19) Beamount leys swimming pool seems the best around

20) Are sick of people in highcross trying to sell you faulty goods

21) you browse around in lacoste and hugo boss even though you are more interested in how expensive it is than actually buying it.

22) You Have a look in apple to mess about on the computers.

23) You love the cinema de lux so much you probably would never step foot back in the odeon.

24) you used to go family night football at filbert street.

25) you do an all - nighter and head to mcdonalds for as soon as it opens.

26) have been chased by deers at bradgate park.

27) you are secretly interested in the national space centre but do not want to look a geek.

28) have had a piercing at kazbah

29) Mad Mile Is Great

30) you think that only old people shop in m&s

31) You have ran up and down the stairs near leicester market and lloyds

32) you have had a debate on whether ariva is better than first.

33) Maryland chicken is actually great despite the the so - called hygiene problems

34) you know that walkers crisps are made in leicester aswell as KP Snacks

34) when you have sat with you mates in the car in wigston mcdonalds car park for hours on end.

35) Deep down you are actually proud of where you come from and actually love leicester

36) you join these " lets get 100,000 people from leicester" groups and there is only about 500 of ya

37) Drinkin on abbey park was some of the best times you have had

38) you went to all the one big sundays by radio one on victoria park.

39) you really look forward to the Caribbean carnival ( first saturday of august)

40) The city centre constantly pongs of spliff

41) You Can Honestly Agree that leicester has an awesome nightlife

42) You refer to where you live as le2, le4, le18 blah blah

43) you feel sorry for the homeless who are sleeping in silver arcade

44) you come out of "the very bizarre" feeling light headed because of the 60 odd incense sticks burning

45) you are impressed year in year out by the christmas lights

46) you have been to abbey park bonfire night parties

47) Safe and monging are the most overused words all over the city

48) You think that the county arms is a shithole

49) you have heard the "every street" joke 500 times

50) you wonder why there are road works in the city centre 24/7 and nothing ever changes.

51) You know that leicester people are known around the rest of the country as "chizzits" because when we ask someone "how much is it?" we sound like we are saying "im a chizzet"

52) You go to skeggy for the day and bump into half your neighbours!!

53) You have laughed to yourself about the fact that the Market is located next to a street named Cheapside.

54) You try to buy a cob in another city and they don't know what you're on about.

55) You went to see Santa in Lewis's

56) You Know who daniel lambert is

57) you know who the elephant man is

58) you send lost drivers the completely opposite direction where they want to be

59) you refer to chewing gum as 'chewy' and most people out of the leicester dont know what your on about

60) Raw Dykes Road Has amused you

61) superbowl changed its name to megabowl and you thought... i preferred superbowl.

62) you owe videobox at least 50 quid for late rentals

63) you used to go 'rock climbing' on bradgate park

64) you visit dominoes just to see the train running around the store in the ceiling.

65) you rave about the atmosphere there used to be in the kop at filbert street

66) when you used to run and jump in to the mountain of cuddly toys in the disney store

67) You know what a "jitty" is.
You also know what a "Croggy" is

68) You've been roller-skating at Granby Halls.


69) You've sat in Daniel Lambert's chair.

70) You remember "Lineker's" sparkly red and blue sign on the market


71) You say wassamarriwiyou (when you mean to say " whats the matter with you")

come on then own up... how many are you nodding your head to? lol!
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crazycow
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Sat Nov 15, 2008 2:18 pm

Errrrrrrm...... Me! Razz
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Sun Nov 16, 2008 11:48 am

Got to admit i was too! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Mon Nov 17, 2008 11:43 pm

And thats how the fight started.......

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a petrol station.
And that's how the fight started.


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And that's how the fight started.


M rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's how the fight started.....


my wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked,' Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's how the fight started.
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lee
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Wed Nov 19, 2008 9:32 pm

2 ducks in a hotel, as there about to make love the drake says we dont have any condoms. I will call room service, so he calls and asks for condoms. The receptionist says ok sir would you like me to put them on your bill, no you daft twat he says i will fucking suffocate.
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KT
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Thu Nov 20, 2008 1:00 pm

That is terriable Lee, but saying that:

3 old ladies where sat in the old aged people complex
when an old man walked up and flashed them
1 lady fainted
1 lady had a heart attack
1 lady had a stroke
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Fri Nov 21, 2008 1:44 am

How to shower......

Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If
you
see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.




Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-
woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart
and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash
your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath
the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return
to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.
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lee
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Fri Nov 21, 2008 9:37 am

This one is already on.
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lee
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Fri Nov 21, 2008 9:45 pm

Four men were bragging how cleaver their cats were.

The first man was an engineer

The second man was an accountant

The Third man was a chemist

The fourth man was a goverment employee

To show off the engineer called his cat,T-square,do your stuff

T-square pranced over to the desk,took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle,a square and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart

But the accountant said his cat could do better.He called his cat and said,

Spreadsheet do your stuff

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his cat could do better.He called his cat and said

Measure do your stuff

Measure got up walked to the fridge,took out a quart of milk,got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces,without spilling a drop,into the glass

Everyone agreed that was pretty good

Then the three men turned to the goverment emplyee and said what can your cat do?

The goverment employee called his cat and said

Coffeebreak do your stuff

Coffeebreak jumped to his feet

ate the cookies,drank the milk and shit on the paper,screwed the other 3 cats claimed he injured his back while doing so,filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,put in for workers compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

AND THAT MY FRIEND IS WHY I WORK FOR THE GOVERMENT.
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madmaz
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Fri Nov 21, 2008 11:10 pm

is this y some of the stuffed cats etc have got big grins on their faces in your museum lee lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Sat Nov 22, 2008 12:05 am

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Thu Jan 08, 2009 12:22 am

Three women: One engaged, one married, and one a mistress,
> are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze
> their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras,
> stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days
> they meet up for lunch..

> The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came
> over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos,
> and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my
> life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

> The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his
> office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over
> my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't
> say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

> The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's
> house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing
> the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask
> over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he
> said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Thu Jan 08, 2009 6:56 pm

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ..... and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies........."



Wait for it...


It's coming...

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?




She says:




"You just happened to catch my eye." lol!
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Fri Jan 09, 2009 12:53 am

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1950's, 60's and 70's !


First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.


Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.


As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.


We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.


Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nandos.


Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!


We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.


We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......


WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.


No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.


We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.


We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels or SKY,

no video/dvd films,

no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!


We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.


Only girls had pierced ears!


We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.


You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...


We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,


We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!


RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on

MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always ruled the playground at school.


The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!


Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'


We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!


And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Sat Jan 10, 2009 12:03 am

so bloddy true!
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Sat Jan 10, 2009 1:58 am

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome. that will bring on a 'whatever').

8. Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Lads this could save you so much trouble!
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Wed Jan 14, 2009 9:43 pm

And then the fight started My wife and I are watching Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and
said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....

********
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
Disability, too'
And then the fight started.....

****
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage .
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started ...

****
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at A
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many & years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....

****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And then the fight started.....

****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started..
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Tue Jan 20, 2009 9:45 am

Quickie in the Bushes.
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes,let's! But we'll change positions.'


This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'


----------------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Tue Jan 20, 2009 12:39 pm

Young girl waiting at bus stop holding her baby.
Bus pulls up and girl gets on.
As she's paying her fare, the bus driver says to her " Isn't your baby ugly ".
Clearly upset the young girl says " that wasn't very nice was it " and goes to the back of the bus in tears.

As she sat down the woman sitting next to her asks her " What's wrong love ?", "That bus driver has just said something really horrible to me " answers the young girl...."Did he ? " says woman " I'd go back up to him and go F*cking mad if I was you......go on...I'll hold your Monkey ".

Jan.
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Thu Jan 22, 2009 10:44 pm

Bought myself a new deoderant stick today. Instructions said take off top and push up bottom' im still in casualty at the moment but my farts smell gorgeous.
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Thu Jan 22, 2009 10:54 pm

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns!!



Dear Roger



I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house with a lady who had come to visit us to arrange our Wills. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.



When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bed with the Will writer. I am 32, my husband is 34.



We have been married for ten years and have two children.



When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and

worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.



Can you help please?



Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults

with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear,

check the vacuum pipe and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding

wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be the fuel pump itself

that is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.



By the way, well done for ensuring you have a Will in place as this is an area which is often overlooked by many of my readers.
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Sun Feb 01, 2009 1:18 pm

My wife came home last night really upset.

I said i would console her,

So i smashed her over the head with me Xbox!
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Sun Feb 01, 2009 9:01 pm

Mr Cadbury met Ms rowntree in a room on quality st.
It was after Eight, he turned out the light for a bit of black magic!.
He slipped his hand into her snickers and showed her his curly wurly.
Not keen to have any jelly babies she let him have her up her bournville boulevard
she screamed with turkish delight! as he took out his fun sized mars bar it felt abit crunchie and she wanted some time out, but he did a twirl and came in a very milky way!
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