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 put a smile on your face......jokes

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madmaz
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PostSubject: put a smile on your face......jokes   Wed Jul 16, 2008 7:39 pm

paddt takes home his new wife on his wedding night.she lies spread eagled on the bed,stark naked and says"paddy you know what i want "paddy replies "yeahall the bed by the looks of it"
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Wed Jul 16, 2008 9:04 pm

This ones real simple...but makes me laugh loads each time. ..... What did the 0 say to the 8 ??...... Nice belt!
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Wed Jul 16, 2008 9:17 pm

Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Wed Jul 16, 2008 9:20 pm

What did the blonde say when she walked into a bar?

A: Ouch!
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Wed Jul 16, 2008 10:03 pm

Two monkeys in the bath. 1st monkey says "oo oo ee ee aa aa aa" second monkey says "well put more cold water in then
" ba dum dum tusshhhhhh
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Thu Jul 17, 2008 10:45 pm

old lady goes to the dentist and sits in the chair, takes her knickers off and puts her legs in the air. dentist says i'm a dentist not a gyneacologist, she says i know but i want you to remove my husbands teeth.
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crazycow
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Fri Jul 18, 2008 7:58 pm

Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?

A: Toes go in first.


What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head ?

A: Sister Matic !
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shelmor
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Fri Jul 18, 2008 11:30 pm

A bloke with two left feet walks into a shoe shop and asks for a pair of flip-flips.....
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Wed Jul 30, 2008 9:40 pm

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
> A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed..
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
> A. He buys two cases of beer.
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Sat Aug 16, 2008 6:51 pm

How do you confuse a blonde girl?

Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner!
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Wed Aug 27, 2008 6:34 pm

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
Smile means a smile and
Sad is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around


(_x_) kiss my arse
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Wed Aug 27, 2008 6:37 pm

A Short Love Story
A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly..... He in the upper bunk and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f%#*ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Wed Aug 27, 2008 6:39 pm

Baked Beans


One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from
work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told
him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my
way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more
than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off
any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and
before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.


Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."


He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took
a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone
rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned
and went
to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure
was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I
seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It
was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over
a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap
and fanned the air around me vigorously.


Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink
was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells
signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more
times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back
on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.


My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through
the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.


At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated
around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"


I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Wed Aug 27, 2008 7:24 pm

lol oh my god!!! that was hilarious!!! i laughed out mega loud to myself!
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Wed Aug 27, 2008 10:43 pm

WOMAN'S ARSE STUDY

There's a new study about woman and how they feel about their arses.
The results were very interesting....

30% think their arses is too fat

10% think their arses is too skiny

60% said they dont care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldnt change him for the world!
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Thu Aug 28, 2008 3:29 pm

Very gooooooooooooooood keep them coming. lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Thu Aug 28, 2008 10:04 pm

what do bee's brush their hair with ...................................... a honeycomb! (have to say this came from my friend, who passed away recently,four year old son)
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Sat Aug 30, 2008 1:31 pm

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?


Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!


He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'


So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'


And then the fight started... .
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Sat Aug 30, 2008 1:40 pm

Help to stop swearing and be nice to people in the work place by using the following.....

1.
Try Saying: I think you could do with more training Instead Of: You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter. Instead Of: She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible Instead Of: F*** off a*se-hole

5. Try Saying: Really? Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with... Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***.

7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project. Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem

8. Try Saying: That's interesting. Instead Of: What the f***?

9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale. Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate.

10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues Instead Of: He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir? Instead Of: Oi, f*** face.

13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Sat Aug 30, 2008 6:04 pm

I've not been on this page for ages, and i've just read the baked beans story.....well i laughed out so much and so loud my daughter came to see what i was laughing at lol then when i read it to her she couldnt stop laughing too
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Sat Aug 30, 2008 8:23 pm

I read the baked beans one out to my kids and could barely say it for laughing!!!
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Sun Aug 31, 2008 4:47 pm

think i might do the bake bean joke to the kids in class - what do you think?
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Sun Aug 31, 2008 8:04 pm

Oh yes, I think they would DEFINATLY enjoy it lol
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Tue Sep 02, 2008 10:48 pm

a lesbian slept with 13 women in one night and suddenly died.At her postmortem it was revealed she died from a crack overdose!!!
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Tue Sep 02, 2008 10:54 pm

little gorl takes ashower with her nan,points down and says "whats that?"
Nan "thats my beaver".
Next day little girl takes a shower with mum & points down,"i know what that ism,thats your beaver"
"oh yeah" mum replies "how do you know that?"
"nan told me,but i think hers is dead,cos its tongues hanging out"
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Wed Sep 03, 2008 4:48 pm

51 things you would love to say out loud at work


1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a f****** people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. Aren't you a black hole of need.

42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.

46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

51. Don't believe everything you think.
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Wed Sep 03, 2008 6:58 pm

Whether Liberal or Labour, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the WorkingClass.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back tobed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Wed Sep 03, 2008 6:59 pm

A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the
dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay,
you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Wed Sep 03, 2008 11:43 pm

lol! lol! lol! lol!

man is walking down the road totally naked, carrying a totally naked woman on his back.
a man approaches them and asks why the man is naked, he explains he is off to a fancy dress party and he is going as a turtle.
other man asks what is with the naked woman on his back
'oh thats just michelle (me-shell)'

crap i know but heard it on the radio yesterday and thought it was funny.
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KT
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PostSubject: Re: put a smile on your face......jokes   Thu Sep 04, 2008 11:48 am

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on. So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time also.

When this angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased.

So he decided to email the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the email said?









No?





Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either........
Very Happy Razz
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